Motherhood.

The days are long, the years are short.

My mom says this time flies by, but I mostly wonder how on earth I am going to occupy my toddler for two full hours before dinnertime.

This is the first of three weeks that I am with Luca full time. I’ve always been with him, but I have also had a little break thanks to daycare. A morning a week at nine months, turned into a day a week at 11 months, turned into two, or sometimes three days a week once he turned one. So it’s been a while since it’s just been him and me straight, and I catch myself wishing and waiting for his “school year” to begin in September so I can have some time (other than his nap time) to myself.

I also caught myself fighting back tears today in the waiting room as I read the editors letter in a parenting magazine. She talked about how her daughter cried every day when she went to pre-school, and eventually how she cried when her little preschooler left for college 15 years later. This mom reflected on how quickly time passes, and whatever stage we are currently in will be always shifting and changing, so it’s important to notice where we are today.

I’m sure I will look back on these toddler years as some of the sweetest times. The times where hugs + kisses were plentiful, when he would crawl into our laps with a book for us to read, when he reached out for our hands and held tightly onto our pointer fingers while strolling around, when he would  point to the part of his body that he hurt and look for a kiss to make it feel better, or when he giggled with ridiculous amounts of joy with a little tickle, game of peekaboo, or hurricane of kisses on his belly.

If I plug into that, well of course I want time to move as slowly as possible. I want to savor it all. But mostly from the day to day I just get frustrated for feeling like I have no time for myself and can’t help but feel slightly trapped. I find myself wishing I could write a thought down without being interrupted, let alone read an entire newspaper article, or have a solid chunk of uninterrupted time for my charm & magic projects. It’s tricky to connect to myself when tending to a little being around the clock, it requires extra effort and a lot of devoition.

But I know this feeling will pass, and will come back, and circle around again and again. I know I am incredibly lucky to have all this time with him. I know time for myself is ridiculously important, and I will get it soon, and until I do everything can wait for a while.

So in the meantime, between breakfast and lunch – I’m going to remind myself how incredibly precious this longest shortest time is, and just like nap time… how fleeting it can be.

P.S. I did not come up with the phrase – longest shortest time, and I’m not sure who coined it necessarily, but I heard it from a great parenting podcast titled just that. Also, I think Gretchen Rubin said, “The days are long, but the years are short.”

My mom took me to my first yoga class, prompted me to make my first necklace, and continues to tell me about the next spiritual book to read.

She has supported me and my dreams from the beginning, and has always let me be me.  And even though we certainly have had our ups and downs, I am thankful that she was the woman who raised me – in just the way she did.

When I first became a mom – I wanted to be perfect : cloth diapers, organic homemade food, medicines that had no chemicals, or dyes, or flavors for that matter, wooden toys, etc… After 15 + months I realize perfect doesn’t exist (duh!), but I still have to remind myself of that over and over again. Now I feel lucky if I resemble my mom in any way.

Motherhood is hard, and these past few days have been particularly challenging while tending to a sick Luca, letting go of my work commitments, and feeling like no matter what I do I am letting someone down.

Often, I wonder if I am doing a good job, as there a million other ways to do any one thing in a given day. There are so many choices to navigate, and they require a lot of trusting in my own heart that I in fact know what’s right. This video (that I sobbed through) – pretty much summed it up : You are doing a great job, regardless if you are a mom or not, as long as you can tune in and truly listen to yourself you can do no wrong.

So – write your mom AND yourself a sweet little note, gift her something charming, and remember you are doing your absolute best… and that’s all you can do – even if your mind tries to tell you otherwise.

I’ve been wanting to create a list of books that have made a real difference in my life and finally 9 months later, while Luca naps, I present you with this collection of books that I underlined nearly everything I read.

If you are looking for an INSPIRING book, take a look and let me know what books are your lighthouses.

Return to Love -This is great if you are craving a new outlook on your life. Marianne Williamson is simply sublime and this book totally shifted my perspective everything about miracles + life.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?…”

Spiritual Doodles + Mental Leapfrogs -This is great if you want to tap into your creativity. This book is bringing me SO much joy it’s amazing. Handwritten by Katherine Q. Revoir, it is so playful and helps me access my expression with little drawing and writing exercises. I try to get a page done after breakfast and I feel immediately plugged in.

The Alchemist – This is great if you are figuring out your passion and your path. A must read. I devoured this in college and remembered asking my dentist what if this profession was his professional legend. He answered as best he could.

Buddhism for Mothers – This is great for ALL mothers. This book arrived for Luca’s first birthday thanks to Caroline, and I am DEVOURING it. It is SO good, and exactly what I need to hear. Motherhood is not all sparkles and snuggles, and it’s so helpful to be reminded that it’s not wrong to feel certain things that I don’t necessarily want to feel. It’s all a part of the journey.

The Invitation – This is great if you want to live a heart centered life. Jeanne gave this to me when we started working together and it is sheer beauty in the most raw and real way.

“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.” – Oriah

The Desire Map – This is great if you just want to feel GOOD! Danielle LaPorte has completely shifted the way I approach life. Focusing on how I want to FEEL has made a subtle yet powerful impact on how I approach my dreams and my goals. A constant practice, but one that feels amazing.

Start Where you Are – This is great if you are wanting to access the present moment more. I am currently eating everything that Pema Chodron has to say. Here compassionate reminders to practice mindfulness are always what I need to here.

Here is to less phone time and more book time!

…even though I haven’t had a full night of sleep since he arrived,

Lately being a mom has felt super hard, heavy, and challenging.  I told  anyone who would listen:

“I don’t know what to do.  It’s impossible to get him to sleep.  I have no time for me.  He is moving all over the place. He fell off the bed (!).  I’m such a terrible mom.”  

On and on I went.  This language and way of thinking really just made things harder and heavier.

So I am changing it up so it feels lighter and more graceful:

“Being a mom is awesome (because it really is).  He is forming a new sleeping rhythm that I am figuring out. I consciously make time for me.  He is growing, creeping, and exploring constantly.   I am doing my very best.”

I need to vent sometimes, but it reaches a point where I am just deepening the groove of whatever message I am saying and choosing to believe.  Words have tremendous power.  Change the conversation you are having with yourself and others and you will change your reality.